Parody: A Presidential Candidate Debate "about nothing" PART I

Watching these guys nattering on gets tiresome. And clearly the networks are struggling to maintain ratings (a mere 60 million viewers??? surely they can do better...). So I have devised a two-fold strategy by which to reinvigorate the national presidential debate process. 1) Have a series of schmo-debates, and 2) have the actual candidates have a debate a la Seinfeld.

1. Schmo-debate. It might be interesting to have an "issues" debate between two average joe-schmo guys. Call it the Shlemieliad, the Nobodebate, the Whatever-athon. One should be a republican, the other a democrat. And they should debate all this stuff:

Moderator: So what is up with Iraq?

Democrat: I really don't understand it. As long as these insurgents have all these rocket-propelled grenades and such, it seems like it will basically be impossible to win definitively.

Republican: Nuke the place. Pay somebody. Then everyone here is invited to come over and watch it on my plasma TV.

Moderator: Why is the economy so ho-hum?

Republican: Poor people aren't buying enough stuff to keep consumer spending up.
Democrat: It is the curse of the Bambino.

Moderator: Should the tax cuts be made permanent?

Democrat: What tax cut?
Republican: What tax cut?

Ok, so it's not so exciting after all.

2. Candidates Have a Debate About Nothing. More exciting would be a debate between the actual candidates, which would be about nothing! Jerry Seinfeld would moderate:

Seinfeld: So what is the deal with all this spyware, adware, malware...? Why was my computer faster five years ago than it is today?

Kerry: I think this is clearly a result of the administration's diversion from the real priority of the war on terror. Spyware is the real weapon of mass confusion. The administration has been investing in anti-virus software, which scientists have shown to be utterly useless against the new browser hijackers. Four years of failed policies, lousy freeware, and the surreal specter of adware pop-up ads that promise to help you fight adware and spyware! This administration has failed, and failed again. They don't even have a policy on it. 91% of the computers in the United States in America have it. A Kerry administration would have a Cabinet-level position dedicated to solving this crisis.

Bush: My opponent was for spyware when we were using it as a weapon against the European art cinema and the uncheckered proliferation of bad cop shows. But now that Hollywood has vanquished the specter of Euro-Communism that was haunting Europe, he's suddenly changed his mind. Like that makes it all right.

Seinfeld: Speaking of which, would you ever mix ketchup and mustard? If not, are there any common condiments you might consider mixing?

Bush: Ketchup? I don't eat kraut-food. [Grins slyly; big laugh]

Kerry: I'm opposed to the ketchup-mustard combination. However, I might consider ketchup and mayonnaise under particular circumstances and on certain select dishes, for the brighter future that I know everyone in this room is seeking. The President says he's opposed to "Kraut-food," but that kind of attitude is costing American jobs, here and now. On the dish that I think most of us know as the hamburger, I think most condiment mixing is acceptable in the interest of the stengthening of Our Common Flavour. However, on hot dogs and cheesesteak, it's been well-documented that the over-mixing of condiments only benefits the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans. It's time to think about our philosophy of condimentation differently.

Seinfeld: What can be done to halt the spread of reality TV, and restore the 30-minute situation comedy to its rightful place in prime time?

Kerry: I believe in America's future, not America's past. The future is reality television, not some extremist right-wing idea of division, not unity. I am in favor of television about reality, but I have been consistent in opposing the outsourcing of screen-writing labor to these kinds of outfits that hurt working families of people -- good, ordinary folks, in the entertainment industry.

Bush: I think reality television promotes the highest values of America -- the entrepeneurial spirit and the can-do attitude. The small-businesses that made, have make up, for America. Now sure, I reckon--I recognize that some of these shows, where you have people eating shark testicles and all, well they are not in the best taste. [Bush Chuckles.] And I want to remind you, Jerry, and remind everyone out there in TV-Land, that my opponent voted against reality television in the floor of the Senate before saying that he was in favor of reality.

But I don't know what all these big fancy words like "reality" are supposed to men, I mean, mean. Let me be 100% clear: I love reality television. I love its values. But I, my wife Laura, and my daughters are all opposed... to "reality."

PART II on Thursday